Thankful for all the guys here :)

I'm in a new stage of coming out to myself now.....the drama and the self loathing is largely dissapating. It's been because of meeting or being influenced ( in person and on line) so many great guys and gals who have been where I am and have gotten past this and are living much more functional and joyful lives.

I have put the 'hookup' experiences behind me now. I know that's not where I want to be. In many ways, I come back to appreciating the values I had before I came out, but from the perspective of an emotionally healthy gay man. I'm not out of the woods yet, but it is getting closer, day by day. Also, P & M, gay chat sites, hookup sites, etc are losing their hold on me. I simply want to be a happy person, living to my potential and being happy. The fact that I'm gay, while important and essential to my development and well being, no longer defines me exclusively. I feel that there is no single "gay lifestyle" just as there isn't a single "straight lifestyle".

I am finally starting to experience more days of peace in my life...in fits and starts.....I can only hope with effort and love for myself and others that this will only keep improving.

I love reading all the posts and responses...both here and on the Moho Facebook group. such a diversity of people with different viewpoints and life circumstances, and yet civil to each other and willing to be supportive.   Thank you !

Just kind of hanging in there:)

I'm still letting fear and doubt cloud my perceptions of my worth and the reality of the goals I've set. I really tend to let little things derail me and procrastination sets in. I've come up with the idea of using a kitchen timer to help me get started on the tough projects I need to face. If I can do something that moves one forward for 15 minutes, that's at least an accomplishment. Probably it will get the juices flowing and I'll go on it much longer. But paralysis sometimes stops me from even doing that.

I'm trying some new habits in my life. I'm running 3 miles several times a week now. That really helps. Keeping my home very tidy and clean. Getting some necessary car repairs done..they've been delayed for some time. Tonite...beginning a habit of going to sleep by 9 am and getting up at 3 or 4 am to do the hard work when I'm fresh and hopeful. This weekend I set up a reading program for scriptures and other books that inspire me. Also a simple system to organize my time. I've thought of using Steven Covey's "7 Habits" but that seems too ambitious for me, and I don't want to get discouraged. Also a program for physical fitness that includes weight training, abs work, and yoga.   On top of that, I'm working to get my divorce finalized and applying for jobs in the biggest city near me which is Edmonton.  I'm glad I'm taking time out to see my extended family at times..and be of service when I can. It's very healing. Have been reading more scriptures. I'd like to begin praying again....it's been a long time :(

As you can see.....all the toxic waste that goes along with coming out to myself has built up quite a backlog. I get a little overwhelmed thinking "What to do next????". I'm so fortunate to have a few wonderful friends who have encouraged me and advised me, gay and straight, in the church and out of it.

The only way is to do it a day at a time. And only do as much as I have strength. All of these new habits will take time and energy to really own and be an integral part of me. I just need to be patient....that's a hard job for me.

Deep breathing......and relax!!!!!!!

Brian

random bits

Not a bad day. Talked directly with a woman about a job I want to apply for in Edmonton....nice to do before sending in a resume....we had a nice chat....maybe will help. Got 3 references for my resume. Things may be moving along here :)
My bud Wayne is helping advise me on my car problems.....the repairs won't cost an arm and a leg like I was fearing. Why oh why must a person play games with rapious garage service departments who seem determined to part you of ALL your money ? Hopefully I have sidestepped that one.

Things are looking better......dealing with procrastination diminishes the fear considerably.

A new beginning !

So I've had this blog for quite awhile, but it's not been listed in the Moho Directory. I've been so inspired by a number of the blogs here, especially John Gustav-Wrathall. I've felt the strength that comes from the shared experiences and the encouragement and kindness that is so evident.
It's been about two and a half years since I came out to myself, and lots has changed since then. I accept and love myself, but I'm still afraid to make any significant moves in my life. I've been stagnant. Healthy changes are long overdue.

I'm really hoping that being part of this network will allow that to begin to happen to me. And of course, that by sharing my experiences and successes/struggles, that others can learn and grow, as I have been by them.

So hello, everybody.... I am glad to be here :))

Brian

Shaving

My progression as a gay man continues.......I bought a Phillips body groomer awhile back. This weekend I decided to try in out. Was a little apprehensive....but it is AMAZING how easily and smoothly I could remove body hair below the waist....and no pain at all! Hey I realize straight guys do this too......just that I don't think too many MY age would !

Been busy....procrastinating?

Well I am not sure. I am still dealing with my income taxes...not done yet! Not going to Calgary this weekend...the dinner with the Mormon guys is going to be later I guess..long weekend. I'd like to go see Kevin in Calgary again tho..he's a very nice guy. Waiting to hear back from Kara Lee the Pride Week volunteer co-ordinator. I am pumped thinking about volunteering for the parade and cleanup of the square. There will be a cool group performing at the post parade concert....The Be Arthurs. the world's only ukelele cover band....no really...and they're very good !

Well to bed now...it's 3:15 am......again. Gotta do better. I feel good knowing I've got some good friends now in the gay community. Also that I'm becoming much more aware of the kind of guys I want to date....these sweethearts actually exists.. gotta love romantic passionate guys who want monogamous LTR's. :). Guess I wasn't going to start findin them until  "I" was ready!

Looked at a new basement suite tonight....really "sweet" better than I have now....2 bedrooms, a utility room, an office nook, and built in space heaters...and lots of big windows......and lots of storage cupboards! I'm lovin' it!  I paid my damage deposit and move in two weeks from now.

Good night, blogger....and all other forms of intelligent life out there ....lol

An unsettling weekend

I've found that when times get hard and everyone around me seems to fit the stereotype we try so hard to dispel, I hold on to the one thing that will always be there- hope and love. And if that love doesn't surround me from the outside, I turn inside until I'm exhausted loving myself with my every breath. It may sound like a fantasy, but with a little practice it can become anyone's reality. 

http://gaylife.about.com/od/hivaid1/qt/livingwithhiv.htm (quote)

Feeling a little better

I felt good at bowling last night.felt in the groove, even if my score wasn't super high..it was consistent, and I wasn't making a lot of bad shots...then Zach and I went to the Wayside lounge and had a couple of drinks (well Zach maybe had more later, after I left , lol). It was nice just talking with him about being gay, and we were quite open about. The bartender  knows Zach is gay because he works there. And I'm pretty sure she knows that I am as well. But she is cool about it, very accepting.

I am going to start reading a little bit of "You can Heal your Life" by Louise Hays every night. It seems to be the spiritual and emotional medicine I need just now.

I am looking forward to going to Calgary to spend a day or two with Kevin and get to know him and enjoy some time with him.

I'm so tired

Tired of all the energy wasted and attention focus lost on things of primary importance in my life. This has been the "cost" of choosing to come out.....I really hope the this huge investment is worth it in the long run! I have faith.

Ready to give this a go.....whew!

Well.....many months ago, I started this blog....and like so many things in my life up to now....it lazed in suspended animation. Not that I was procrastinating....although that is a BAD habit of mine...I just don't think I was ready to move to the next level, and proclaim my process of thought ( or lack of) in public. That's a form of reporting, which involves some sort of accountability to the reportees. I was too scared to start thinking about THAT !

But now......for a number of reasons....I feel more at peace and confident about my direction. And I am ready to start talking about. More on those reasons in later posts. I had the opportunity and blessing over the last year or so of establishing contacts and making some friendships in the gay community. It's been great! There are some wonderful people out there....and I love each one of you for reasons as individual as you are. But the one thing they all seem to have in common was this: Each one knew who he is and is happy with it and using his time, talents, and energy in  a positive way. Are they perfect? No. But they are my mentors and inspiration....whether I have actually met them in person or not.

Today was a turning point of some kind in my life.....a culmination of things, probably..but I feel more hopeful that I have been......less fear as well, which is really debilitating.


Keep posted, much more to come!