Sunday, August 14, 2011

Thankful for all the guys here :)

I'm in a new stage of coming out to myself now.....the drama and the self loathing is largely dissapating. It's been because of meeting or being influenced ( in person and on line) so many great guys and gals who have been where I am and have gotten past this and are living much more functional and joyful lives.

I have put the 'hookup' experiences behind me now. I know that's not where I want to be. In many ways, I come back to appreciating the values I had before I came out, but from the perspective of an emotionally healthy gay man. I'm not out of the woods yet, but it is getting closer, day by day. Also, P & M, gay chat sites, hookup sites, etc are losing their hold on me. I simply want to be a happy person, living to my potential and being happy. The fact that I'm gay, while important and essential to my development and well being, no longer defines me exclusively. I feel that there is no single "gay lifestyle" just as there isn't a single "straight lifestyle".

I am finally starting to experience more days of peace in my fits and starts.....I can only hope with effort and love for myself and others that this will only keep improving.

I love reading all the posts and responses...both here and on the Moho Facebook group. such a diversity of people with different viewpoints and life circumstances, and yet civil to each other and willing to be supportive.   Thank you !

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Just kind of hanging in there:)

I'm still letting fear and doubt cloud my perceptions of my worth and the reality of the goals I've set. I really tend to let little things derail me and procrastination sets in. I've come up with the idea of using a kitchen timer to help me get started on the tough projects I need to face. If I can do something that moves one forward for 15 minutes, that's at least an accomplishment. Probably it will get the juices flowing and I'll go on it much longer. But paralysis sometimes stops me from even doing that.

I'm trying some new habits in my life. I'm running 3 miles several times a week now. That really helps. Keeping my home very tidy and clean. Getting some necessary car repairs done..they've been delayed for some time. Tonite...beginning a habit of going to sleep by 9 am and getting up at 3 or 4 am to do the hard work when I'm fresh and hopeful. This weekend I set up a reading program for scriptures and other books that inspire me. Also a simple system to organize my time. I've thought of using Steven Covey's "7 Habits" but that seems too ambitious for me, and I don't want to get discouraged. Also a program for physical fitness that includes weight training, abs work, and yoga.   On top of that, I'm working to get my divorce finalized and applying for jobs in the biggest city near me which is Edmonton.  I'm glad I'm taking time out to see my extended family at times..and be of service when I can. It's very healing. Have been reading more scriptures. I'd like to begin praying's been a long time :(

As you can see.....all the toxic waste that goes along with coming out to myself has built up quite a backlog. I get a little overwhelmed thinking "What to do next????". I'm so fortunate to have a few wonderful friends who have encouraged me and advised me, gay and straight, in the church and out of it.

The only way is to do it a day at a time. And only do as much as I have strength. All of these new habits will take time and energy to really own and be an integral part of me. I just need to be patient....that's a hard job for me.

Deep breathing......and relax!!!!!!!