Sunday, August 7, 2011

Just kind of hanging in there:)

I'm still letting fear and doubt cloud my perceptions of my worth and the reality of the goals I've set. I really tend to let little things derail me and procrastination sets in. I've come up with the idea of using a kitchen timer to help me get started on the tough projects I need to face. If I can do something that moves one forward for 15 minutes, that's at least an accomplishment. Probably it will get the juices flowing and I'll go on it much longer. But paralysis sometimes stops me from even doing that.

I'm trying some new habits in my life. I'm running 3 miles several times a week now. That really helps. Keeping my home very tidy and clean. Getting some necessary car repairs done..they've been delayed for some time. Tonite...beginning a habit of going to sleep by 9 am and getting up at 3 or 4 am to do the hard work when I'm fresh and hopeful. This weekend I set up a reading program for scriptures and other books that inspire me. Also a simple system to organize my time. I've thought of using Steven Covey's "7 Habits" but that seems too ambitious for me, and I don't want to get discouraged. Also a program for physical fitness that includes weight training, abs work, and yoga.   On top of that, I'm working to get my divorce finalized and applying for jobs in the biggest city near me which is Edmonton.  I'm glad I'm taking time out to see my extended family at times..and be of service when I can. It's very healing. Have been reading more scriptures. I'd like to begin praying's been a long time :(

As you can see.....all the toxic waste that goes along with coming out to myself has built up quite a backlog. I get a little overwhelmed thinking "What to do next????". I'm so fortunate to have a few wonderful friends who have encouraged me and advised me, gay and straight, in the church and out of it.

The only way is to do it a day at a time. And only do as much as I have strength. All of these new habits will take time and energy to really own and be an integral part of me. I just need to be patient....that's a hard job for me.

Deep breathing......and relax!!!!!!!



  1. Hmmm. We have a lot of the same problems. I'm trying to get back into the scripture/prayer routine and it is ridiculously hard for me. I think its just that I've read them so many times that its a "chore" - I'm not reading because I'm into it.

    I suck at excercise unless I have a friend to exercise with me. Hard to come by, I'm afraid. Anyway, keep trying is all we can do, right?

  2. Thanks for your comments, Neal ! Today, I am really just trying to get myself "kick started" IS hard ! But things get easier to picture succeeding at if I just make the effort. Little successes feed off themselves and I'm very motivated by little successes. Little by little is the only way to start new good habits.

    Lately, I've felt almost "floaty". Not stressed by circumstances in my life, but almost like I'm in a form of suspended animation. I go through the motions of doing things in life, but not feeling super joy and enthusiasm for anything either. What will snap me out of this?

    I've often dreamed and planned of my life as a functional gay man with a new job and being very involved in the gay community in Edmonton. It becomes enervating rather than empowering, so I try to not think to much about that until the other issues in my life that have built up have been dealt with. I still hold onto those thoughts to give me something to anticpate. However, I totally realize that I must face problems, or they will never go away, and will continue to plague my peace and tranqullity, no matter how my circumstances do change for the better.

    So there needs to be a balance....working diligently to work through my backlog, and rewards from time to time...doing things in my new life that bring me joy.