Just kind of hanging in there:)

I'm still letting fear and doubt cloud my perceptions of my worth and the reality of the goals I've set. I really tend to let little things derail me and procrastination sets in. I've come up with the idea of using a kitchen timer to help me get started on the tough projects I need to face. If I can do something that moves one forward for 15 minutes, that's at least an accomplishment. Probably it will get the juices flowing and I'll go on it much longer. But paralysis sometimes stops me from even doing that.

I'm trying some new habits in my life. I'm running 3 miles several times a week now. That really helps. Keeping my home very tidy and clean. Getting some necessary car repairs done..they've been delayed for some time. Tonite...beginning a habit of going to sleep by 9 am and getting up at 3 or 4 am to do the hard work when I'm fresh and hopeful. This weekend I set up a reading program for scriptures and other books that inspire me. Also a simple system to organize my time. I've thought of using Steven Covey's "7 Habits" but that seems too ambitious for me, and I don't want to get discouraged. Also a program for physical fitness that includes weight training, abs work, and yoga.   On top of that, I'm working to get my divorce finalized and applying for jobs in the biggest city near me which is Edmonton.  I'm glad I'm taking time out to see my extended family at times..and be of service when I can. It's very healing. Have been reading more scriptures. I'd like to begin praying again....it's been a long time :(

As you can see.....all the toxic waste that goes along with coming out to myself has built up quite a backlog. I get a little overwhelmed thinking "What to do next????". I'm so fortunate to have a few wonderful friends who have encouraged me and advised me, gay and straight, in the church and out of it.

The only way is to do it a day at a time. And only do as much as I have strength. All of these new habits will take time and energy to really own and be an integral part of me. I just need to be patient....that's a hard job for me.

Deep breathing......and relax!!!!!!!

Brian

random bits

Not a bad day. Talked directly with a woman about a job I want to apply for in Edmonton....nice to do before sending in a resume....we had a nice chat....maybe will help. Got 3 references for my resume. Things may be moving along here :)
My bud Wayne is helping advise me on my car problems.....the repairs won't cost an arm and a leg like I was fearing. Why oh why must a person play games with rapious garage service departments who seem determined to part you of ALL your money ? Hopefully I have sidestepped that one.

Things are looking better......dealing with procrastination diminishes the fear considerably.

A new beginning !

So I've had this blog for quite awhile, but it's not been listed in the Moho Directory. I've been so inspired by a number of the blogs here, especially John Gustav-Wrathall. I've felt the strength that comes from the shared experiences and the encouragement and kindness that is so evident.
It's been about two and a half years since I came out to myself, and lots has changed since then. I accept and love myself, but I'm still afraid to make any significant moves in my life. I've been stagnant. Healthy changes are long overdue.

I'm really hoping that being part of this network will allow that to begin to happen to me. And of course, that by sharing my experiences and successes/struggles, that others can learn and grow, as I have been by them.

So hello, everybody.... I am glad to be here :))

Brian

Kevin

Kevin in Calgary is such a great friend. I miss him a lot when I can't talk to him. I really look forward to when I will see him again. He's the first gay man I've had real feelings for. I did have a crush on a guy when I first came out to myself, but he was a closeted married man.....sigh.....that just wasn't going anywhere !

Shaving

My progression as a gay man continues.......I bought a Phillips body groomer awhile back. This weekend I decided to try in out. Was a little apprehensive....but it is AMAZING how easily and smoothly I could remove body hair below the waist....and no pain at all! Hey I realize straight guys do this too......just that I don't think too many MY age would !

Been busy....procrastinating?

Well I am not sure. I am still dealing with my income taxes...not done yet! Not going to Calgary this weekend...the dinner with the Mormon guys is going to be later I guess..long weekend. I'd like to go see Kevin in Calgary again tho..he's a very nice guy. Waiting to hear back from Kara Lee the Pride Week volunteer co-ordinator. I am pumped thinking about volunteering for the parade and cleanup of the square. There will be a cool group performing at the post parade concert....The Be Arthurs. the world's only ukelele cover band....no really...and they're very good !

Well to bed now...it's 3:15 am......again. Gotta do better. I feel good knowing I've got some good friends now in the gay community. Also that I'm becoming much more aware of the kind of guys I want to date....these sweethearts actually exists.. gotta love romantic passionate guys who want monogamous LTR's. :). Guess I wasn't going to start findin them until  "I" was ready!

Looked at a new basement suite tonight....really "sweet" better than I have now....2 bedrooms, a utility room, an office nook, and built in space heaters...and lots of big windows......and lots of storage cupboards! I'm lovin' it!  I paid my damage deposit and move in two weeks from now.

Good night, blogger....and all other forms of intelligent life out there ....lol

An unsettling weekend

I've found that when times get hard and everyone around me seems to fit the stereotype we try so hard to dispel, I hold on to the one thing that will always be there- hope and love. And if that love doesn't surround me from the outside, I turn inside until I'm exhausted loving myself with my every breath. It may sound like a fantasy, but with a little practice it can become anyone's reality. 

http://gaylife.about.com/od/hivaid1/qt/livingwithhiv.htm (quote)